Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
You Might Also Like
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.