The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it