My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats