My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
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The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs