My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Cat.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.