my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
You Might Also Like
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!