my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed