Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
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Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Breaking news:
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.