My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.