My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
i have one speed and it’s mosey