My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby