This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Trains are just sideway elevators.