My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.