@HandyJack420: My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that's 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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@tsm560: Her: About last night, please understand that wasn't me... that was the wine. Me: ... Her: ... Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
@adamrensch: *walks into Kinko's* YO I NEED A CAT SCAN "I'm sorry sir, we don't--" *opens bag & removes a terrified cat* I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.
@salamingia: "Google, how long will my trip to Cleveland take? "Your trip will take 5 hours" "Google, I have a child. "Your trip will take 9 hours".
@AnOrangeSNES: All I wanna do is [gun shot noise] [cash register noise] [organ noise] [saxophone noise] [cow noise] [cat noise] Fix this broken synthesizer