My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
You Might Also Like
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
This was my dad’s browser history.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.