My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Mood.. 😂
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?