My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*