My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The sacred texts.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
This makes total sense…
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.