My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.