My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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Hey lady I鈥檓 no dummy鈥hose are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 馃檪
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I鈥檓 so sorry ma’am, he鈥檚 in training here’s your tall blonde roast
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i鈥檓 allergic to flowers.
– i know…
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I鈥檓 sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I鈥檓 going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy馃憞
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you鈥檙e trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.