My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake