My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”