My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.