*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family