*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
🤣could you imagine
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
me working on my assignments ^-^
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Lmao
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO