My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Birds & Planes.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.