@HousewifeOfHell: My daughter told me I'm "slightly prettier than Ben Franklin," so I have that going for me.
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@BetteMidler: Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
@daemonic3: Mommy, what are these? "Put them back they are sleeping pills!" Oh, then you shouldn't yell "Why?" [whispering] YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP
@TheAlexNevil: This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
@sammyrhodes: My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.