My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”