My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas