@Brianhopecomedy: My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.
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@brookeisgolden: An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time. The bartender says, "I'm gonna need to see your cardigan."
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: I'm such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
@NotUrGumar: Whenever I feel like I'm a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don't feel so bad