@Brianhopecomedy: My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.
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@alfageeek: 9: My room is clean. Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
@agathagotstoned: *walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask* *dies instantly, but with a touch of class*
@SteveKoehler22: Our credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it .... The thief is spending less than my wife did.
@MatCro: CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.