@Brianhopecomedy: My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we're not telling her.
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@BradBroaddus: Got in a fight with the wife so I didn't let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
@ramenfuneral: that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
@jonnysun: i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years