My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Bed should get ready for ME
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*