My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu