One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
You Might Also Like
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job