@iinkedZombie: My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
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@AndyKindler: "I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That's crazy." Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
@fred_dog: I think my neighbor's dog is in heat. She's been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.
@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Around my neighborhood I'm affectionately known as "Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo."