@iinkedZombie: My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
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@DranoRaul: People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it
@pharmasean: “Say ur a bad girl” I’m a bad girl “oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…” ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
@Thynebear: "Is your refrigerator running?" "My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch."
@KKAlThani: I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.