Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Received some very disappointing news today
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.