My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
do what now??
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!