Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You Might Also Like
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
mood
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for