My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
That’s classic.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand