@Overdue_Bills: My daughter wrote "Daddy is the best" in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She'll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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@AnOrangeSNES: "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.
@Ellierocks2013: Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward Cuz that's how I roll..