My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
tourist season
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My whole life was a lie.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
People buying plungers never look happy.