@Overdue_Bills: My daughter wrote "Daddy is the best" in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She'll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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@kentgrossarth: 'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?' 'Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'
@brittwastaken: I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire. You, a muffin, remain motionless.
@michaelianblack: I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.
@liv_thatsme: "Don't you wish you had children?" Me: Don't you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?