Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
You Might Also Like
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Twitter remains undefeated
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
This kid is going places
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.