Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
You Might Also Like
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Worth the read.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.