wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Genius idea!!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.