My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
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My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
This raises questions
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars