My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
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Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
brian had himself a morning…
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I feel it
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
(True)
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.