My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
The Backseat Boys
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’d hang this in my house.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running