My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
can I use a minion as a tampon
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.