@blondecalamity: My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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@dulcetry: [Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
@XplodingUnicorn: My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot. I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what. Just kidding. I moved the damn towel.
@joshgondelman: My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we've had no luck trying to have one naturally.
@AshGriffoTv: Hate it when I push the button at the traffic lights and someone pressies it after me. Do you not trust me or something? Was my press not good enough like