@blondecalamity: My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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@TheToddWilliams: [job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That’s pr--*thump*
@mattgallo123: "Don't be shy!" -people who don't understand how genetically determined character traits work
@GrantTanaka: [calls home] son: hello me: hi, put mom on the phone son: I can't me: why son: she's too heavy