*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Is this you?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking