My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I have so many questions.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that