My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
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She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair