I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Stop it! 😂
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Did…did a minotaur write this
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer