@jenstatsky: My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
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@yonewt: Is it that you think I can't eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won't? Either way, you're wrong.
@EJGomez: bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]
@Courtniss_: There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
@shkeeber: GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON'T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I'LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!