@jenstatsky: My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
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@fillthevacuum: Please be the blood from a horse's head Please be the blood from a horse's head Please be the blo... Nope, just peed the bed again
@neptunemoons: "Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent
@ohpegah: I've started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie) Examples: "See you in a shrek!" (1hr 35min) "Dinner will be ready in half a shrek." (47.5min) "My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!" (1 month)
@secondofhername: You don't have to write 'Twitter addict' in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.