@robfee: My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour.
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@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@Karate_Horse: [karate sign up table] "Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class"
@scott_towel: My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Be back after lunch! Boss: OK Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL* *goes home, turns on baseball*