@robfee: My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour.
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@Shut_up_Marissa: In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
@Steelers1972: Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
@KKAlThani: Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that's just my onion.
@Lemonidas42: Man: "I think I saw a UFO last night" UFO with fake moustache: "Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something"