I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Okay, I’m still confused…
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’