@1CleverClogs: My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.
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@suntzufuntzu: "What if Waldo finds me first?" I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. "Don't let that happen," she warns.
@Darlainky: I'm never more irritated by fashion than when I'm trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
@jonnysun: there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin "i miss america" and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash
@ojedge: [attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear] ME: Thank you all for coming 37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?