[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids