My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I need a headline like this
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
You got this…
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
#Caturday
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math