My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance