But that’s none of my business
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.